Nothing, Everything
by Rasiaa
Summary: "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."- Joan Crawford


_Friends challenge_

 _Last ship sailing comp- "Don't act like you can keep that promise" , suitcase,_ _"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."- Joan Crawford_

* * *

"Oh, please. Don't act like you can keep that promise," you say.

I thin my lips and really- what can I say? That you're wrong? Because you're not and we both know it.

You look at me for several seconds longer before shaking your head in sorrow and walking away.

I think about calling you back but I know there isn't any point because I meant what I said.

…

I think that this is one of those moments that I will regret for the rest of my life.

I can feel it in my bones, the ache and the fear in my heart, but I can't seem to stop myself.

"You were right," comes out of my mouth at lightning speed and you look up, eyes tired.

"What?"

"I can't say I love you because I don't think I do."

…

You tell me to pack my bags that night, and so all I take is a single suitcase and I leave the rest.

I can't really bear to look at it.

I pause at the door, and you grab it behind me, waiting. I turn.

"You were right about one other thing," I say.

You cock your head to the side and your eyes are rimmed with red and blue, and it's funny.

The regret is already setting in.

"I never think before I speak and for that I've hurt you, just like you always said I would."

The tears come from your eyes hard and fast and you don't seem to notice. You're focused on me.

"And for that, I am so, so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

I open the gate and walk.

"If you believe nothing else in your life, believe that."

…

I go to my father.

He seems unsurprised to see me, and he just steps aside and I walk into the cold, empty manor.

It's always been so cold since my mother died.

"What happened?"

"I told him a lie, and then I promised I never would again."

"So he threw you out?"

"No. I went willingly, since I told him I didn't love him."

"Why would you do that? I thought he meant everything to you."

"He does. Oh, father, Merlin help me, he does. He wouldn't believe me if I told him anything else."

My father stops in the doorway to the dining room for only a moment. He walks and tugs out a chair.

"Sit," he says. I do as I'm told.

He kneels in front of me and says, "I once let her go, and I still can't bear it. Don't make that mistake."

I shake my head, and though I want to cry, I don't. The tears won't come.

"It won't make any difference now. He will never let me close again."

It's clear he struggles to reply to that. "You don't know until you try," he says eventually.

…

Love is a fire, I know. And whether it will it warm the hearth or burn the house down, you never know.

It burns. It burns with a righteous fire and the right to crackle as it laughs.

The faces mock endlessly and never cease to make me feel like shit.

…

We run into each other on the street.

You don't look any happier than I feel, and maybe that shouldn't make me feel as good as it does.

Nevertheless, you turn up your nose, and I grab your arm.

"You meant everything to me," I hear. "I refuse to believe you never loved me."

"That's because it wasn't true. But how could you love someone like me?"

I tug you into the alley and watch you swallow heavily as you look at me.

"How? You ask me how I could have loved you?"

Slowly, I nod. "I lied to you."

"It wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't like you cheated on me."

"I shouldn't have done it."

"And you recognize it," you sigh. "I can't take you back. You… ruined me."

I laugh, and I can't help it. I laugh until the tears finally come.

It feels like relief. It feels like freedom.

You stare at me with a wonky smile on your face, but you don't laugh like I do.

"You ruined me, too," I say. "You fucking destroyed me."

I sober. I look at you. And you're just as beautiful as I remember.

"I do love you, you know. I loved you more than anything, anyone."

"Then why…?"

"Because I never believed you would believe me if I said I was sorry, and that I loved you."

"You're always so insecure. I love you. It wouldn't have changed."

"And now?"

You just stare at me. And I look back at you. "It changes nothing. It changes everything."

…


End file.
